This is one of a few entries I wrote, and was unable to post, for the past couple of weeks. Please accept my apologies for bringing you so much delight all at one time!!
I was disconnected Saturday. The year I thought I was going to have didn’t happen all the way through, but the year I did get, ended on Saturday.
I know you’re going to say “2010 ended for everyone on Saturday” which is true enough, but mine was over in a slightly different way. I lost something in the past few weeks which I didn’t know was mine to lose, and without properly realizing it, I spent a lot of time since looking for it, or at least an answer for why it was lost.
It’s an answer I can’t ever have, but right up until midnight Saturday – well, it was probably about 00:30 Sunday when the lights went out – I kept telling myself I should be trying to get one. A real answer, an explanation, some thought, some truth to the change that came into my life. But here’s the thing… it wasn’t the fact that the answer, any answer, wasn’t forthcoming. It was the personal loss. Or maybe I should write personnel loss. Whatever…
A couple of weeks before 2010 ended, I found myself actually saying the phrases ‘man up!’ and ‘grow a pair!’, two phrases one would not normally find coming from my mouth. The incident that made me think these things was actually the start of the end of searching. I realized that my loss had very little to actually do with me, and a very great deal to do with what is missing from others’ world(s). I can’t fix that for them, any more, and I don’t need to fix what ain’t broke in mine. At least, I don’t need to try any more.
I’m actually rather good stuff, but as much as I need to always believe that about myself, I also need to understand that there are lots of people who aren’t going to get that. So… pffftttt.
Dear David, Dear Donna & Sydney, Dear Britt, Dear Kim & Travis & Tim… thank you for not being pfffttt. I am so enjoying moving on, and I very much hope you’ll be around for at least part of my journey, and let me be part of yours as well. The door is always open to anyone who brings laughter and light, humour and truth, and the occasional piece of chocolate (or cheese) into my life.