This is so the way I’ve been feeling for almost four months.
I have wanted to bundle up all my energy and angst to shake an angry fist at the world, and up the street, and out at the freaking moon and say
REALLY? THIS IS WHAT YOU’RE GIVING ME?
But over the past few weeks – not months, but weeks – I have been able to unclench and feel more like myself. I don’t like feeling so pissed off, so miserable that the Grinch wouldn’t have liked hanging around me. Certainly, there were a number of days when I was fine. But there were also a number of days when I was not fine, and to try to pretend otherwise is just so not right.
People are entitled to their anger or grief in the same way they are entitled to their joy & pleasure, and of all the lessons I have learned from the past little while, it’s that asking someone to deny their emotions, or bottle them up, or sign them away is not solving anyone’s problems.
Which is not to say that anyone – including me – should go on and on and frickin’ on about stuff forever, because that doesn’t do any good either. I have no idea how to put a time frame on loss and grief, and I don’t want to try for anyone else but myself. What I can say is that coming through it is just so much better.
So much. Like, you’ve eaten a pan of brownies and yet haven’t so much better.
You don’t ever get over loss, and I do not believe that there is such a thing as “closure”. Loss becomes bearable because the wound scabs over and eventually you learn to stop picking at it… or at least, you don’t pick at it very much (it’s okay to shed a few tears of remembrance every once in a while). And “closure” is for doors. You don’t close the door on dreams and love and loss and fear. You don’t. You just learn to cope.
There is something else about love and loss that I have come to understand. Sometimes what you love isn’t what you can have. I loved a man once very much, and it just didn’t work out. We tried, but circumstances were just so wrong. As it turned out, both he & I found better love the next time at bat, better because not only was love working for us, but so were our circumstances. I don’t ever regret for one moment that love which in some ways is still with me, but I am so, so, grateful every day for the love that does stay with me.
Love doesn’t conquer all. In fact, it can it do a job on your heart & courage & spirit when it goes wrong.
For love on a professional level (and get your mind out of the gutter! I’m talking love for your work!) I think that’s especially true. I mean, you work your ass off studying and practising and growing professionally and…. you’re on the fuzzy end of the lollipop stick, not once, but twice.
I just needed to learn to stop sucking that end, that’s all.
Well, that and to learn to love packing 🙂