I should kick myself in the arse for being so… well, indecisive about continuing this blog. Not because I don’t enjoy writing, because I do. And not because I don’t appreciate the generally positive feedback I get from it, because I do. But maybe because of two people and one idea.
The two people are ghosts from my life and while I try to ignore them or pretend they have little, if anything, to do with my present, they always seem to just pop up and annoy me with their ghostly presence. They are likely see this post and knowing that – again – I’m sharing something of myself with them is, well, icky. But the reason for even establishing this blog was to bust some ghosts and mostly, I’ve done that. Mostly, I’ve learned to step back and breathe, to take a second or third or tenth look at a problem and then either write about it OR accept the fact that some things in life, baby, you just can’t change.
The idea is different. The idea was that maybe now I’ve busted those ghosts I can move in another direction. What that would be, I wasn’t not sure but still….
But there’s more to writing this blog than just exorcising some bad ideas, some bad relationships. I write because I seek inner clarity. I write as a way to express myself, and find myself, and be myself in a world where sometimes the masks are pretty heavy, stuck in place. Of course, sometimes I write just pap and crap, and that’s okay!! I love a good gossip or picture magazine at times. But sometimes, I need to find words to figure out what the hell I’m feeling, and to get rid of the bad ones, and snuggle up to the good ones.
I’m keep a gratitude jar this year. The idea is to jot down one small thing every day that’s made you feel grateful or happy or some other positive crap, put the notes in a jar, and at the end of the year, count ’em all up. Well, 30 days does not make 30 notes but there are some in the jar, and there will be more than 185 by the end of the year (that’s more than 1 every other day, fyi for my arithmetically challenged friends!)
Maybe it’s been the jar, maybe it was getting a letter today from someone I did NOT expect to hear from, maybe it was a lot of PMing with a long-time colleague that just turned into silly fun… but I’m feeling really positive and lucky and peaceful this week. A feeling which will last if the Seahawks win on Sunday.